My Lovely Lady Lumps

Last September, it was the butt. Today, it was the boobs.

In less than a year’s time, I’ve hit two milestones of female aging: the colonoscopy and the mammogram.

I’ve written about my colonoscopy experience a few times already. Today, I will relay my mammogram experience to those who have not yet gone on that ride.

Unlike the colonoscopy, getting ready for a mammogram is a picnic. I did nothing special beforehand except to shave (to keep the distractions to a minimum) and apply some Tom’s of Maine deodorant. This deodorant had to be wiped off in the exam room (thanks, Mammo-Wipes)!

Good news? The exam was super fast and did not cause any bruising (which is truly amazing when you consider what these puppies went through!).

Less-than-thrilling news? Your boobs are going to be flatter than a pancake for a few teeth-gritting (oops, no, RELAX!) seconds. Don’t forget to hold your breath! And do not whimper when they come back in and say that they need to redo your right side because you flexed a muscle in your arm (although, it made me the teeniest bit proud that there IS a muscle in my arm, considering the little exercise I’ve done this winter).

So, now I wait for results. I’m not the praying sort, but I will send one up to the heavens as I open that envelope for the test results.

In the meantime, I will urge my female friends and bloggy visitors to get this exam regularly and to give thanks for the mammories we have.


  1. I’m hoping for the best too. This post made me giggle and laugh though. First the butt, now the lumps! Priceless!!

    I’m sure all will be good though!

  2. Good luck with the lumps!

    Have you seen/heard Alanis Morissette’s version of that song? Awesomest song ever.

  3. Doesn’t sound very pleasant, but definitely better than the alternative.

    I’ll be thinking good “envelope-opening” thoughts for you and your lumps.

  4. nuttnbunny says

    Butt and Lumps should definitely be the name of a band.

  5. AnotherMomCreation says

    The title alone just made me laugh out loud.
    Good for you for being so proactive!

  6. Sending you good thoughts!
    And ouch, flat boobs.

  7. Angie McDowell Garza says

    Mammo-Wipes! That’s hilarious….I go for a mammo next week. I mean…just when you think you can’t get any flatter, the tech turns the crank one more time! Thanks for the giggle. angie

  8. I am not at the mammogram stage yet! Not looking forward to the exams I am such a boob wimp!

  9. Alex Elliot says

    Good for you for getting that done!

  10. Mary Alice says

    Good reminder, thanks. We must save the tatas.

  11. ouch

  12. sending the bust of luck to you.

    Okay. I really meant to say BEST, but that typo is just too perfect 🙂

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