Six years

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year and, today, the days get gradually longer, minute by minute.


I woke up thinking this on the sixth anniversary of my dad’s death: He died on the morning after the darkest day, as if he wanted us to remember that things will soon be brighter.

I think of him a lot, of course, though six years seems to be my threshold for that punch-in-the-gut sadness I used to feel. Now, I remember him with sadness for all he has missed–continues to miss–, but also with a kind of stoicism and resignation that yes, we all are born, live and die. The End, time marches on, and can I have a snack, Mommy? It’s hard to dwell when there is so little time for quiet.

But, my dad would’ve hated anyone dwelling on him too much. He would’ve delighted in the lives my sister and I have carved out in this world, and he would’ve been pleased to see our mother staying active, making friends, keeping busy.

He would’ve loved to have a beer with you. He would’ve worn a goofy Santa Hat just to make my kids smile. He would’ve offered to help with that squeaky door.

He would’ve told us all another story.

Unfortunately, the only story I can seem to remember, even six years later is this:

On December 22, 2004, my father died. And, though the days are getting brighter, minute by minute, I don’t think they’ll ever be as bright as they were when he was here.

Comments

  1. You have such an amazing way of writing. I can only imagine the loss you feel. Thinking of you on this 6th anniversary. And I didn't know him but I know he would be proud of you…you have an amazing family and are doing great things!

  2. (((hug)))

    I wish things could have been different for you.

  3. Chicky Chicky Baby says

    Doesn't matter how many years go by they'll never leave our thoughts entirely. And that is not a bad thing.

    xoxo

  4. Christina,

    I know this loss. It makes you absolutely ache inside and it feels like you will never be whole again.

    I know how much you loved your dad-I feel like I know him b/c you keep his memory alive in this blog again and again. He sounds wonderful!

    I'm thinking of you today…and wishing you brightness. 🙂

    Love,
    Jessica

  5. Boston Mamas says

    Huge hugs my friend. I know exactly how you feel. xoxoxoxo

  6. He sounds like a wonderful man. I'm sure sometimes 6 years seems like forever to be without your Dad. Thinking about you.

  7. I'm sorry for your loss. Having kids sometimes makes the hurt pierce even more sharply, since every milestone is a reminder they aren't there to share them.

  8. This day sucks. But, in a way, so does his birthday, our parent's wedding anniversary, most holidays… I remember all he's missing and how wonderful it would be to still have him in our lives. And how much he would have enjoyed meeting my kids.

    Fuck cancer.

  9. Issas Crazy World says

    Huge hugs today friend.

  10. Christina,

    Thank you for sharing what it's like. I've gone through everything you've described — sometimes all in the same day. Big hugs. I understand.

  11. Christina,

    Thank you for sharing what it's like. I've gone through everything you've described — sometimes all in the same day. Big hugs. I understand.

  12. Sweepstaker says

    You must have been really close and it must be sad to lose a parent. I'm really sorry for your loss. No one can take away the good memories you had with your dad but hope you will see more brightness in the years to come. Happy holidays to your and your family. 🙂 *hugs*

  13. ((HUGS)) I am sorry to know you pain too well.

    13 years, and for me it still a punch in the gut around this time of year especially.

  14. solsticemom says

    I lost my Dad a few years ago. I still catch myself thinking that I'm going to give him a call.
    You are in my thoughts.

  15. So sorry for you loss. I lost my father 15 years ago. Although the pain gets less, it never goes away, and I always forget he's gone….but you know this.
    Your post is so heartfelt, it has me thinking deeply…that doesn't happen often.

  16. He would be so honored to read how beautifully you write about him, Christina. And from what I remember of him, he indeed would want every day of yours to be bright.

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